1st, you're not crazy, you never were, you were in love with an asshole when you died, you were in love with a manipulative lying coward when you died, when you were murdered OT3 but you didn't know that he manipulated you, lied to you, cheated on you etc etc before, during and after you died.
You've been holding on to his memory to keep you safe, to keep you warm, to keep you grounded while going thru life on this prison planet. It's ok to let go of that memory, to set yourself free.
You'll need to do your own investigations and I'm sure you've been doing that all your life but never told anybody cause they would never understand and label you crazy for being normal, for being a relationship based female, a feminine energy female.
I don't advise following in my footsteps ie doing an investigation while crossing the wall of fire, what I advise is, get auditing either in this church or in the indy field or DIY and recall your past lives to OT3 and then really be honest with yourself about the scene. Was it ok that you were manipulated? Was it ok that the guy that "got you" murdered other men to prevent them from getting with you? Was it ok that the guy you were married to OT3 was cheating on you to hide the murders of other men? Was it ok that you were married to an abuser? These are the questions you need to ask yourself and answer them honestly.
You're not crazy and there's a logical explanation for why you feel this way, it's cause you died while in love with an SP.
SP stands for Suppressive Person. It's an incomplete cycle of action for you. That past life feeling/feelings of when you were in love when you died is an incomplete cycle for you and by finding him, you can complete that cycle on the 2D by having a 2d now in present time with him and of course nobody is ever good enough LMAO cause they're not him.
So what you want to do is handle, process those past life memories and feelings so you can complete that cycle on that 2D from that past life and so it's not affecting you now in present time. There might be other past lives in between the end of OT3 and the beginning of OT3 that's affecting you now, same thing applies. Maybe you weren't together OT3 but you were in a past life or as we scilons say down the wholetrack and you were in love with him and died. The same handling applies, whether down the wholetrack or OT3.
If you are lucky enough to find him in present time and have a 2D with him and it works out, awesome.
But I wasn't that lucky and in my case, in that moment in time we found each other by accident, he blew, and left me wondering wtf?
So I'm going thru life looking for that guy cause I died in love with him and nothing I'd do could shake that feeling, that longing in my heart and soul, and nobody was him.
In my case, I didn't know he did all this shit while we were married OT3, he was very good at lying to me and withholding his shit. But there were signs, clues, verbal and emotional abuse, it was very subtle, one example that I remembered OT3 was that while I was pregnant with our 3rd child, our daughter, he was distant. Where he wasn't distant with the other two pregnancies but this one he was. You know what I mean by distant, he was too busy at work and came home late and when he was in bed, he was busy on his computer, while we were in bed and lied and I accepted his lies.
I was pregnant, the last thing I wanted to do was confront, think about, that my husband was cheating, here I am with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way. So I ignored it and didn't want to confront, didn't want to deal with it, it was too much for me to handle.
These are the past life memories you'll have to recall and look at them in a new unit of time to get your truth, to get your answers.
You can't cookie cut this, the above is just an example to help you with your past life memories.
That's what I did, it was hard, it was not easy and took me years to resolve and put 2&2 together. It was that feeling that I was chasing all my life cause he was attached to that feeling, OT3, I died in love with my husband, I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't know he hacked my emails, my comm so he could isolate me from others and sabotage my relationships so he could "get me". That's not love, that's abuse long term and you're a thing not a person, a thing to be owned like you are his slave.
It wasn't easy to confront the truth, the reality but I finally did it. And he was the one, his memory that was keeping me down my entire life, what made it harder for me was the OT shit and psychic ability, it's not the norm.
Sure it's a shocker to find the truth and for sure doesn't match a storybook happy ending, but isn't living with the truth better then living with lies? Isn't it better to move on from the past and let go of lies and suppression? For me, it asised the reasons why I got with abusive men like Jeff Gold and Jon Mackinder.
I'm not attracted to abusive men, abuse doesn't turn me on, it turns me off. Had this been handled when I was 19 within this church, I would have made different decisions but everybody in this church/community decided they knew what was best for me and my case based on their evals of me.
As for OT3, what could I have done differently, well, it never occurred to me that he was hacking my emails, my comm using his father's resources. I never asked that question. I trusted him and didn't realize he was breaking rules and laws.
I didn't have a terminal to talk to, a psych that was hatted in this, in this kind of manipulation etc etc, cause if I did, that psych would have given me a program to find out and a handling, is this guy breaking laws/rules to get with me? Is he trying to manipulate me into a 2D cause of his own insecurities?
If I had a terminal and this was found then, well then him murdering the competition could have been avoided and he could have gotten mental health to handle his issues and both of us could have gotten a program to address it and if it had to do with last life shit, where we were both murdered and separated and I was pregnant, then that would have gotten addressed too and if we needed to go back further as in past lives to handle issues, we could have done that. But I had no terminal to go to, no trained psych to talk to about this kind of shit, where they were hatted and would have asked questions of me, get me to look at shit that maybe I missed, that were hints, clues etc etc and part of it would have been let's pull up his father's security clearance and see if he's on there. It would have been a simple handling, very easy to find, but I had no terminal like this.
So that's how OT3, things could have been handled to prevent the end of that civilization on my end and my 2D's end.
Here's another example to help in finding your soulmate journey: I figured out, remember the clues, all your life you've been getting for your investigations, well a clue I got thru several different OTs was that on the OT levels LRH talked about the main reason the universe ended OT3, that civilization ended was cause all the people in the implant stations were corrupt and too busy going out 2d etc etc.
At the time I was like ok, whatever, but later when recalling my past life memories, I realized, wait a minute, there was 1% of the US Federation population that worked at the implant station network, that umbrella, 1% of 300 billion would be 30 million people, so based on the info above, that would mean that all 30 million people were busy not doing their jobs but instead cheating on their spouses/2D's and being corrupt and abusive, ok, sure, that's impossible.
I figured out the security clearance he got from his father cause his father had high security clearence cause of his job, the dude that was responsible and accountable for the implant station network. I suspect his own father didn't know or he did know cause he gave him permission to use it but it was for emergencies not for abuse.
So that portion of the OT levels per LRH's research is a lie, and everybody missed his withhold which was, he was busy being corrupt and abusive and cheating on his spouse, he accused everybody that worked there OT3 of what he was doing. So from that I was able to realize, what he did that was corrupt and abusive and of course the cheating. It's not about being right or making others wrong it's about finding the truth for yourself so you can set yourself free from these types of abusive men forever and find your real soulmate.
So you will have these types of clues on your journey looking for your soulmate, to aid you, to help you etc etc. Don't be a guy and disregard the little things, those little things will help you in your journey.
He had sec checks right? He never bothered to sec check Hana Whitfield and find the abuses on the ship she's talking about. He surrounded himself with women like this, ok LMAO bozo city. Can you picture Hana Whitfield in the military on the battlefield? Or flying a viper ship? Or at the helm of a military ship in outer space? LMAO me neither, I see her as a librarian or an accountant or a woman at the county recorders office behind the counter or a baker etc etc.
In the book Mission Into Time, Hana Whitfield was there, it's in chapter 7, page 59. Hana is also in the book.
It gave me a clue to his character in present time on the 2d, it was very difficult for me to confront facts like that guy was my wholetrack 2D ie soulmate? Nobody wants that guy or any guys like that to be the one, it's weird. But after I confronted the truth and accepted facts, I was able to go deeper down the rabbit hole to solve this mystery once and for all, so I can end cycle on finding and being with my wholetrack 2d this life and I did. And when I did that, a weight lifted off my shoulders, off my soul. His memory and his O/W's weren't keeping me down anymore.
Make sure your auditor doesn't think you're crazy cause you want to know about your wholetrack 2d, your soulmate, qualify your auditor first, otherwise he or she will assume you are a female stuck on the 2nd dynamic cause of your own o/w's, not your 2D's o/w's but yours and he/she will fuck up your case, basically make it worse then it is. If you had problems with auditors wrong evaluating you, then DIY, use your ethics book, recall your past life memories all the way to OT3 and confront the scene, honestly.
Once you find the abuse and btw cheating is abuse, once you find the abuse, all the abuse that he committed, apply conditions on the 2D, apply conditions to help you get out of lowers on the 2D and you can end cycle on him forever and stop pulling in guys similar to him and/or guys that remind you of him cause you are looking for him and/or guys that you think might be him and/or guys that have similar traits/characteristics cause you think that might be him etc etc.
Your realizations will help you and most of all, don't blame yourself cause of the O/W's he committed on you. You are not responsible nor accountable for his actions, for the O/W's he committed on you cause you were married to him, in a 2D with him, he is.